BLACK WEDNESDAY

I never understood the big deal about death when I was younger until I started losing people I care about. On Tuesday I found out that one of my favorite aunties had passed away from a post that her son had updated on facebook. At first I was in such denial I convinced myself it was someone else, it could not be my cousin. But after looking at his profile I couldn’t deny any more. Then I convinced myself that he dint mean his actual mum but another woman he considered his other mother. So I inboxed him and asked him what happened. The following day I get his reply that she had a sudden fever and a sore throat. That’s when it hit me that she’s really gone.
At the time I was reading for an exam happening in an hour, I couldn’t concentrate on what I was reading anymore, all I could think of is how I had told her I would call her we go for a pizza she had promised me. I could not bring myself to stop seeing her face from the last time I was with her, the last conversation we had, how she was such a funny person and how she always lit up the room. I could not stop thinking of how she would laugh out loud to silly stories and how she always had something to say to make you smile. I thought of how for the past month I had thought of calling her twice to say hi but I dint and I couldn’t even remember why, why did I push off the need to call her? I wanted to cry but I had a paper to do in an hour and that wasn’t going to change even if I was sad, the world was going to care if I wasn’t up for the paper so I had to put my feelings aside and finish up on my studying.
As I walked to the exam room, everything looked normal and yet it dint. Everyone looked the same yet different. I felt alone, that I was the only one in crowd of people with a breaking heart. I found it hard to walk, my legs were heavy and I had the worst lump in my throat and I couldn’t seem to swallow it down. My eyes tearred up several times and I had to convince myself to wait just 2 more hours and then I would cry. As the lecturer distributed the papers I nearly broke down and my sniffing was very obvious, I was scared that my friends noticed but they could never bring it up. Half way through the paper it became very obvious that I wasn’t sure of what I was writing and that frustrated me, I felt helpless and I wanted someone to excuse me but I remembered I wasn’t the first to lose a loved one during a critical moment and I sure wasn’t the last so I had to suck it up and simply do the paper.
I left the exam room before time was up because I literally nearly exploded with emotions and just went to my room. On the way, guys kept saying hi to me and I wanted to slap them because I dint understand how they dint see I had balancing tears in my eyes and just let me be. I felt guilty that I was sad and yet I was the one who dint keep in touch with her, I dint call her for our date, I dint go by to her place to just see how she was doing, I guess I just always thought she would always be here. Part of me still could not grasp how she was gone, how would it be that I would never see her again, or how would we go for family functions that she would normally attend and find she is not there? The worst part was thinking of what her son was going through having lost his mother and friend, how did he feel if I was feeling that bad? I felt numb and abit lost and the lump in my throat just grew bigger with every step I took, suddenly my room was miles away.
The minute I opened my room door, I just broke down and I could not stand on my feet anymore, I cried like a small baby and couldn’t help but ask God why, why now? Why not when she was old and tired? Why dint I call her and just hear her voice for the last time? My heart was in so much pain I found it hard to breathe and I just wanted someone to tell me it was a mistake and that she is fine, I selfishly wanted it to be someone else so that I could call her there and then and apologize for never keeping in touch as I said I would, and felt even worse that that is how I felt. I thought of calling my mum but even the thought of someone else confirming her death brought me to uncontrollable tears and I knew if I called my mum there was no way I could hold up a straight face. Then I thought of how I wouldn’t want to regret not calling my mum as I did my aunt. I was simply going crazy.
I then told myself that this was day one, tomorrow would be a little better, but I dint want it to be better coz that might mean I dint really love her, but life had to go on right? Exhausted by 8pm I just crashed and slept without a care that I had another paper to do the following day.
Now 3 days later, it still hurts but at least the lump in my throat comes only when I think of her for more than a second, which happens a lot. Now I look at life the same way I saw it when a close friend of mine died, with a lot of compassion and care for the ones I love. I won’t promise myself to always call my loved ones because even I know that is a promise that is very easy to break. Instead I will try and do my best to make sure the ones I care about know that I do, not in a phone call but in every other way.
Death is scary, I never understood this when I was young but the older I get the more I understand. Its not scary to me because it will happen to me, but because it will happen to all my loved ones at some point and if something as simple as a fever can be the grim riper in the 21st century, who is to say it won’t happen at any time. Let us cherish the ones we love while we still have them because the grief of losing them is worse when we add the regret of taking them for granted.

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MY DATE WITH GAEL

Today after my exam in the morning, Gael(a friend of mine) asked me to take her to sort out some official issue with an exam paper, little did i know that this would lead to us hanging out the whole day. I find it so interesting that it is possible to talk to someone a whole day and still have something more to add even when you need to be leaving. It was really nice having that bonding time with her and I realized a lot about life from our conversations.
When i was younger I never put much thought to other peoples lives maybe because all my friends were as young as me and we were basically going through the same issues. But as the years go by, family secretes begin to unfold, people become less humane and trustworthy, friends become more ruthless, money disappears faster, responsibilities become more weighty and the futures seems less and less what i imagined it would be five years ago.
But before you begin feeling sorry for me, there are wonderful flip sides to all this. i love it that with age, one becomes more decisive and less afraid to speak their mind. The fact that one becomes more in touch with themselves and what they stand for. That challenges just seem more and more like opportunities than setbacks. That friends become more and more valuable and family becomes a vital part of everyday life. There are more answered questions and less confusion like what do i want in life? One becomes more and more content with themselves and others and you begin to realize its never that serious so live a little. And my favorite part is that general feeling, cant quite put my finger on it but there is that feeling of euphoria that something good will come out of it even if i have to make it happen.
I love being considered as an adult who can make her own decisions in life and that those decisions are being taken seriously. I love that my opinion has actually started to matter and that people are starting to look up to me. Even though this is a scary stage in life where am beginning to embrace adulthood and half the time i have no idea what am doing or if am doing it right, i love the thrill and challenge of it all because am slowly marking my name in the sky- Kalekye Muia was here.
All in all my date with Gael was eye opening to say the least and am just glad that with the coming of this adulthood i have friends like her who help me seat back, take a mug of hot chocolate and just enjoy the exchange of ideas.
So try it, when a friend asks you to help them out with one of those boring errands, think twice before you decline it might be a brake from the norm that you have been looking for.

GOODBYE OCTOBER

Its so strange that we have only two months left and we bid goodbye to 2013. By far this has to be my best year yet, and they said the 2013 was cursed hehehe. October has been my fav month of this year, i have never been more daring, more alive, more active and more busy than this month and i have loved every bit of it. The best part of it all was that i learnt how to get out of my bubble and dare myself to reach out for better things to come. I have stuck to my resolutions for the month, well most of them 🙂 and i can honestly look in the mirror and say DAMN GIRL!!!! The biggest lesson i learnt is that the world does not depend on me to revolve so i can take a deep breath and relax, the sun will still rise in the east even if am not on time for that major meeting. another wonderful life lesson is that life is full of treasures you just need to be adventurous enough to find them and i am glad my adventurous side has began to come out more often because the treasures i have found so far are unbelievable. True there were those sad days when a few tears were required to fall to ease the pain, there were those boring days when everyone looked like they had a life except me and yes who can forget the annoying days when someone pissed me out of my mind but all in all they all worked wonderfully to make the month the epic month it was. I am so glad to be alive today and i cant wait for the surprises November has to offer, the highs and lows and the out right ridiculous days. Thank you God that am alive and well! HAPPY NEW MONTH EVERYONE!